Angry White Girl
A Small Victory
A Whole Lotta Nothing
ChocolateOrange
Davezilla
Dollarshort
Jish
Leaking Brain Fluid
A Life Uncommon
Mecawilson
Monoki
The Perils Of Leisure
Redcricket
Textism
The Digiorgios
The Morning News
Twist Of Fait Accomplis
Ultramicroscopic
What Do I Know
Widepipe

i'm tired of driving. 1201 miles, 17 states [8 twice], a lot of pepsi one, a lot of bad radio, no tickets, more toll booths than states, and a little too much time in new jersey. so what did we learn?
connecticut is bigger than we thought

--people in new england seem very nice and helpful

--rush hour in connecticut is inexplicably at its peak at 2:30 p.m.

--don't assume you can get good directions from the internet

--the more inland you are, the less traffic you'll see

--when traffic [and connecticut] is too much to handle, you can always catch a decent happy hour in old lyme, ct

--regardless of what state you're driving in, people cut you off

--regardless of what state you're driving in, people don't realize that the left lane is for passing, and the right lane is for them

--regardless of what state you're driving in, someone is always in a bigger hurry than you

--there is no guaranteed way to avoid traffic

--new england accents are pretty cool

--what good is cruise control if nobody else in front of you uses it?

--there is no reason to celebrate mile 402 of 1201...none at all

--i haven't seen this many white people [connecticut] since that time i watched a barry manilow concert on tv

--if a red light exists, and is on route 1, we were stopped at it

--if you listen to the radio long enough, you'll know the words to every matchbox 20 song ever made

--not surprisingly, the worst road surfaces were found in pennsylvania

--there are A LOT of bugs [that survive on human flesh] by the ocean in portland

--digital cameras don't take very good pictures at night

--my girlfriend is a pretty good co-pilot

--the entire east coast is under construction, expect delays...

we're beginning to have a big jaywalking problem in D.C., and it has got to stop. i don't think people understand the signage that instructs them to walk or don't walk. do they realize that they're essentially running a red light, just not in a car? just yesterday morning on the way to work, my light turned green and some ass was halfway through the crosswalk. and when he realized he was holding up three lanes of traffic, did he speed it up. of course not...he took his sweet ass time crossing in front of each car. as he passes in front of me in the far right lane, another ass begins to cross the lane on his bicycle. and he had the nerve to hold up his hand like a elementary school traffic cop, instructing us to stay put until he was through. i had to fight the urge to plow him and his spandexed ass over. on the way home from work, an elderly man with a crutch was trying to cross wisconsin avenue (6 lanes). he chose to cross about five seconds before the light went green for the cars that could end his life. by the time he crossed three lanes, the turning lane was screwed out of their green arrow. but he didn't stop in the middle. no, he kept going in front of the three lanes moving in the other direction. if he wasn't deaf already, he surely became so after the 21-horn salute that everyone around me presented to him.

so what's the solution you may ask. i already try to put a scare into people that are crossing at the wrong time by revving my engine or squeeling my tires, simply in an effort to make a point. but that doesn't seem to teach any lessons. so my new plan is to buy some 1970 chrysler shitbox, and start doing some real teaching by knocking over bicyclists and collecting pedestrian hood ornaments. it'll be just like putting your hand on a hot stove - you do it once, it burns like hell, and you don't do it again.

the traffic laws apply to everyone, people...cars, bikes, walkers, joggers, strollers, etc. everyone has their right to the road at a specific time, so be patient and park it on the curb until that pretty little white flashing light tells you to hurry your fat ass up and cross.

i was convinced [told] that i needed a haircut before the wedding tomorrow, so working on about 5 hours sleep, i somehow showered and made it to the barber. then the show began. i've had this barber before when i used to live here, and though he doesn't remember me, i remember him. [he scolded me one time for asking him to cut it a little bit shorter on the back of my head after he had already cut it, saying 'maybe i should charge you for two haircuts.']

he's a talker. i don't want my barber to talk to me. just do what you got to do and get me out of there as soon as possible. at most, make a comment about the weather.

and don't make jokes about giving me a bad haircut...that's just not right. i told him to take only a quarter-inch off [not a lot], because i didn't want to look like a jackass in the wedding tomorrow. he replied, "so if i gave you a buzz-cut, you wouldn't appreciate that too much, huh?" no, assface, i wouldn't.

moving along...mentioning 'wedding' was my mistake. he made many 'ball & chain', 'on a leash', and 'whipped' comments. he then proceeded to tell me all about his marriage and how he was a 'gamer' and how his wife got angry when he would play dungeons and dragons on sunday evenings with friends. he went on and on about how his wife was pissed about his comic book collection, and how he could only have one 'gaming' night a week. he went on to discuss, in detail, the dungeons and dragons tournaments he plays in. i don't play dungeons and dragons, and i don't know squat about it. but the impression i get is that it is a fairly elaborate and detailed game, and something you can't explain properly while cutting hair. but he's saying things like 'protecting the dragon', '1200 points', and 'flaming' something or other, and i have no clue what this man is talking about and i just want him to shut up and finish my haircut. but he rambled on and on about how much having a wife sucks and how he thinks about all the women he had before.

then it happened. "yeah, my wife died about two-and-a-half years ago, so i pretty much do whatever i want now." i was speechless, and that's saying something. and i sure as hell wasn't going to ask what happened because that would have opened a can of worms that i don't want opened.

so i beg any barbers out there to not talk to me. i don't want to hear about the games you play, the car you drive, the women you had, and for the love of christ...don't casually drop your wife's death into a conversation. that's creepy. it makes me think you did it. you freak me out man, and you gave me a bad haircut too.

so conservatives are freaking out and trying to get channel one out of high school classrooms.

let's examine their points:
Channel One promotes violent entertainment by encouraging children to see violent movies such as "Supernova," "The Mummy," and James Bond's "The World is Not Enough"; and "Dude, Where's My Car", which promotes marijuana use.

well, supernova is an R movie, which means that the seniors and the dullards who were held back can see it without their parents. the responsibility is then on the theatre and the parents. the other movies are pg-13...if you have a problem with those ratings, take it up with the movie ratings people. also, they're going to see the same ads on TRL.

Channel One is bad for children's health. American children are suffering from an epidemic of obesity, which Channel One probably makes worse by aggressively promoting junk food and soda pop.

yes, american children are way too fat, and that's their fat parents fault. case closed.

Channel One encourages kids to go to a Teen Advice Web site that addresses sexual issues, and while it emphasizes the dangers associated with teen-age sex - abstinence is even mentioned - the central theme is that whatever kids want to do or are comfortable with is OK. The site includes "how to" directions for french kissing, using a condom and having sex.

at least they're getting information on how to use a condom from someone...you sure as hell know their parents are talking to them about sex.

too little accountability is being placed on the parents. a kid shoots up a school
-- oh, that's the music's fault and not daddy's unlocked gun cabinet. a kid is fat
-- blame mountain dew, not the doughnuts for breakfast or the pudding and chips mommy packs her for lunch. a kid is a sexual predator
-- that's because he learned about safe sex in health class, not because his parents avoid the subject at all cost. what about what the kids see at home...who's worrying about that?

my experience with channel one is that at the time i griped about having to get to school fifteen minutes earlier to watch some stupid news program. but you know what
-- i learned a hell of a lot about war-torn Bosnia, the relief efforts for Somalia, and Vietnam, its people, and what it's like there 25 years after the war, and i thank channel one for that. and i'm not a fat, violent, sexual offender...and i'll thank my parents for that.

saturday night, while out of town, we made our way to a bar in wild and wonderful greensburg, pa called the great escape. locals are known to call it the great mistake. i believe an appropriate moniker would be mullets and sluts. i haven't seen that many sluts since...hell, i don't know, there were a lot of sluts there. big-haired [circa 1980], wearing clothes they should not have been wearing sluts. it's a bit surreal to see women singing that they don't want no scrubs when really, they should be very happy that a scrub would even talk to them, let alone want to go home with them. and i'm very sure there were some concealed weapons in the establishment.

but it was fun, because people-watching is one of my favorite hobbies. i don't have what some may call high self-esteem, but i can't help but feel better about myself when i'm standing next to a leather-clad biker man in a stoney's beer hat. and that $1 cover for dj donnie was well worth it for the pour some sugar on me remix. my only regret is that i was too tired to write my thoughts down saturday night, because i know i'm forgetting a lot.

i used to think that microsoft and aol were trying to take over the world. i'm now starting to fear lockheed martin more though. first we had the red light cameras they developed [which thankfully i've managed to avoid getting a ticket from]. now, they're cracking down on speeding in D.C. with photo tickets.

the issue i find most glaring about this is that lockheed martin will be mailing the tickets, and therefore will have the offender's address. are they not going to keep that information to help their plans for world domination? are they going to sell it to make more money? are they going to knock on my door and ask if they can use my living room to build another plane that will crash? or maybe since we're in the same town, they'll want to stop by to let me know the finer details of how their earnings tripled in the second-quarter of this year.

i heard a statistic on one of the horrible local news broadcasts over the weekend that D.C. gave out 10,000 speeding tickets during 2000. they now estimate that 80,000 will be issued each month. any chance that revenue would allow me in the future to drive up 16th street without my tires tap dancing on potholes every couple feet? i doubt it.

there is no proof that the red light cameras have improved safety, and it will be the same for the speeding cameras. so what if speeding is a factor in 60% of all fatal accidents in the district? i'd be more interested in knowing the percentage if you don't count the morons who blatantly jaywalk. they deserve it as far as i'm concerned. it's always the jaywalkers and the lance armstrong wannabees that wear the 'share the road' t-shirts. but they don't share, they just take.

so lockheed, i implore you...build a jaywalking camera. then use the photos you have stored of us speeding and running red lights, match it with the face that is jaywalking, then send a ticket to the address you got from our speeding ticket. then let's watch the third-quarter earnings quadruple, you greedy pricks.

where do you get off, papa condit? you defend your son and put down the media for their coverage of the story, saying your son has a 'strong faith and deep commitment to god.' it's not as if his affair is alleged. he has admitted to it, and it's looking like this wasn't a first for your philandering offspring.

let's recap why this is a news story...it's real simple, so i think you'll be able to understand: a congressman [your son] is having an affair with a government intern...he [your son] lied about first having an affair with her...and she's been missing for three months now. i have a degree in journalism, so i feel confident saying that is a worthwhile story.

now that we've cleared that up, let's address your merits as a father and a man of the cloth. you [father/minister] have reared a son that thinks it is ok to tap women other than his wife. you [father/minister] have also reared a son that thinks it is ok to lie to the media about having an affair. and finally, you [father/minister] have reared a son who has told many people, including the mistresses, that his wife is extremely ill, and has been for 30 years, when the truth is that she suffers from headaches on occasion.

how do you excuse your son and yourself without a thought of accountability running through your bible-drenched brain? are his sins forgiven? i admit i am fairly ignorant when it comes to the word of god, but i swear to christ that one of the commandments was something like 'thou shall not commit adultery.'

explain that please, hypocrite/father/minister.

finally, my first piece of hate mail. sunil has told me about hate mail he's received, and i've just been waiting and waiting. i'm surprised it took this long:

Dear insensitive ass-

I happened upond your weblog and enjoyed it for a couple of days. Especially after I found out you went to Penn State and probably lived in a town close to my hometown, Lebanon PA. Currently I live in Portland OR. As you may or may not know wildfires are ravaging this gorgeous state. Maybe you should redirect your anger (it certainly seemed like anger) towards George W. Bush who doesn't really seem to believe that global warming truly exists, instead of people who are just trying to live away from all the dumbasses that clog up the cities. Geez. I'm sure you cannot understand the beauty of the western states, as most east coasters believe the country ends two miles west of Pittsburgh.

yes, i know oregon is being ravaged by wildfires [when i said 'western u.s.', i was including oregon...sorry that wasn't clear enough for you] and i'll take your word that it is a gorgeous state. i didn't think my wildfire comments were angry, but that's an interesting theory. i'm not wishing ill will on the fine people out west. i'm merely saying that if i, because i live in the northeast, were to be buried under 3 feet of snow, it shouldn't be such a shock, because i live in a place where snow doesn't surprise people. and yes, maybe i should direct more of my 'anger' towards our president. surely my countdown [see top of page] to the end of his term as president can be misinterpreted as support for the man and his policies. and i suppose my silly caption contest [see left] poking fun at dubya or my comments of august 7th showed my unabashed support for him. [*note to self* must learn to be more clear about my opinions.] and i commend you for living in portland, oregon, the 23rd most populated city in the U.S. way to get away from dumbasses in the cities. and it's so true, we all think the country ends two miles west of pittsburgh...but if you were to ever visit crafton, pa, you would think it was the end of the world.

by the way, this is the same girl who wrote to me on wednesday, saying:

when you arrive at the counter of a clothing retail store at the same time as another person, consider what you are buying and what the other person is buying. If the other person has TWO items and you have 36 items, don't assume you have the right away and can go first! And certainly don't question the price of every article of clothing, then pay with a check! It's kind of like a big hairball in the drain, you're clogging up the works and pissing people off!

anger...hmmm...you may want to check into that yourself.

so, this was fun. i thoroughly enjoyed this virtual debate, and i hope it doesn't take 3 more months for another fiery email [no pun intended]. i guess i shouldn't expect any gifts from her for my birthday tomorrow.

.....

GARY CONDIT - 8.24.01

i saw enough of the gary condit interview to affirm my belief that he's a man-whore skeez-bag, but it raises one question. what is it that makes him less forgivable than bill clinton? is it the fact that the intern has been m.i.a. for 4+ months? what if she is alive, sipping fruity drinks on some resort island, laughing her nose off while watching her former lover squirm and trip over his own words?

don't get me wrong, i think he knows where she is, alive or not. and i don't think she's alive, but the point is, what if she walks into her parents house this afternoon, completely healthy and fine, and says, 'i've just been taking some time to think on my own.' what if he had nothing to do with it? our justice system does proclaim that the accused are 'innocent until proven guilty.' though he's not accused, most believe he's guilty. why is that?

he's definitely not as media savvy as bill clinton. he's not as well spoken, believable, or seemingly sincere as bill clinton. essentially, he is not good on tv, and most politicians are these days. that doesn't make it right, but that's how it is. he shouldn't be crucified because he's verbally clumsy and obviously uncomfortable in front of the camera, should he? no, but he was not prepared as well as he should have been for that interview last night. and that is something to fault him for. he was defensive, and aswered questions with questions, and that's how people with a guilty conscience behave when questioned (ring a bell O.J.?).

when will we know the truth? look at the o.j. case...there's still nothing going on there and it's been 7 years. what about that robert blake guy? when is the last you heard anything about that murder?

and one last question...what if they find the body? how will they know it's not kenny g?

.....

JAYWALKERS - 8.29.01

i've made it clear that one of the worthwhile causes i support is knowing what lane you should be driving in, but i think jaywalkers are beginning to piss me off more than granny doing 45 in the passing lane.

i'm going to look for a megaphone, which i will use to yell at pedestrians who are breaking the law. i'd like to find one that's programmable, maybe with 5 phrases stored on it that can be yelled at the touch of a button. phrases like:

--use the crosswalk, asshole!

--i would have run you over, but you're too fat and you'll damage my car!

--sign says 'don't walk'...can't you read?

--jaywalkers go to hell!

--god hates jaywalking scum like you!

if children can understand the rules, what is it that makes some people think they're so important and in such a hurry that i should be expected to bring my car to a screeching standstill while they cross when they're not supposed to? they're assholes, that's the answer.

how does one solve someone else's asshole problem you may ask? run them over, that's how. they won't jaywalk again, maybe because you've killed them, but that's not the point. the point is that a point was made. and what do you get for your fine work? a little, but visible jaywalker trophy to be mounted on your hood, letting the jaywalkers of the world know you're out there, and you mean business.

things are gonna change when i'm president. things are gonna change.

.....

PRINCESS DI ANNIVERSARY - 8.31.01

today marks the fourth anniversary of princess di's death in paris. i must admit i never understood what the big deal was in america. in saying that, understand that i'm not glad she's dead and i'm not saying that she deserved to die. it should never have happened, but it did thanks to some asshole paparazzi photographers.

but what is our fascination with it? is it because she was 'royalty'...the 'people's princess', whatever the hell that means? is it because little girls dream about being a princess and carry those fantasies with them to adulthood?

as a boy, i never fantasized about being prince or king, or princess for that matter, so maybe i just can't understand. so i guess i'll stop questioning those who do.

but i think we can all agree the 'candle in the wind' reprise was totally un-fucking-necessary.

.....

POPULAR MUSIC SUCKS - 9.5.01

i get very frustrated with popular music on a daily basis. whether it's the angry white guys screaming about 'how i can't feel their pain' or hearing a brand new dave matthews song that i swear i've heard a million times before or any one of the chucko boy bands, i see a bleak future for good, intelligent, and heart-felt music.

in college, i got to know a band called angry salad, a band that wrote smart poppy songs and toured nonstop, playing venues in nearly every state. they were not reinventing the wheel, mind you, but they believed in what they were doing and were in it for the music. i recently received an email from bob, the singer/guitarist/songwriter for the band.

As of August 1st, Angry Salad, as you know it and we know it, is no longer. At the end of last year America On-Line merged with Time Warner, who owns our parent company Atlantic, who owns our label Blackbird. The accountants at AOL went to each of the departments at Time Warner and told them they needed to cut X amount of dollars so the AOL stock price could be bumped up a little bit. They went to CNN and fired a bunch of people, went to Time magazine and fired a bunch of people, and then they went to the Warner label group (of which we're a part) and fired a bunch of people there, though the industry word was that "there would be no creative cuts". True, we as a band weren't fired, and we as a band had a contract for our next album, but all but two members of the Blackbird/Atlantic staff were told to clean out their desks. That left two Blackbird people to stay on at Atlantic, but they were given no power. In the words of one of them, they had to "hang their balls outside the door of the Atlantic office." Sounds painful...

So, there we were with a signed contract for our next record, no label people to help us promote it, and lawyers telling us to get ready to sue. All the makings of a great "Behind the Music" - the only thing missing was sex, some great rehab stories, a car wreck of course and a couple million selling albums.

With the state of affairs in the music industry I'm not optimistic about new material coming out. I know people say this all the time but I fear this time it's for real. AOL doesn't give a shit about music, they really just care about the bottom line and it's harder than one would guess to find the next Britney Spears much less the next U2 or Bruce Springsteen. I'm not excited about too much music right now which is a shame.

that's like bush admitting, 'things aren't looking so good for our country and for what i believe in. sorry...i'm gonna head back to my ranch in texas now and cry.'

i used to be a rock loyalist. if i liked a band, i'd get their next album regardless of what i've heard or read, because i was a fan, and i liked their other albums. i thought that's what a good fan was to do. but now i think that just breeds complacency. bands think they can put out an album just for the sake of putting it out, because they know they've got at least a million fans that will buy it. then they can tour, make more money, write some crappy songs on the tour bus, and do it all over again in another 18 months. at some point, we've got to stand up to bands and record companies that keep giving fans the same thing over and over. and why is everyone so angry these days? what's with the screaming and barking into a microphone and calling it music?

in the rehashed and derivative words of staind, we've got to break the cycle.
[don't even think of buying it...i'll find out]

.....

PRETTY FLY FOR A WHITE GUY - 9.7.01

i've got a nice little stereo setup in my car that allows me to drown out most other people when i'm at a red light. not a lot gives me more pleasure than opening the sunroof and windows on a nice day, and sharing my music with others.

yesterday on the way home from work, i pulled up alongside a red honda accord with the windows down. he was cranking a cd that i believe was by a young man named ja rule. i wasn't too impressed with this artist's work, so i chose to increase my volume. the reasons are twofold: to drown out the noise coming from the right window, and to show my new friend that i too can rizzock the hizzouse.[?]

so i slowly begin to crank the new creeper lagoon album, which much to his dismay, didn't mix well with his music. i wouldn't know because i could no longer hear what he was listening to. he turned and looked at me in shock that i was able to accomplish such a feat. i don't think he's ever been drowned out by a goofy white guy cranking creeper lagoon. i don't know that anyone, anywhere has ever cranked creeper lagoon, but that's another story in itself.

surely he didn't know what i was listening to, or why for that matter, but he was definitely upset with my subwoofer prowess, which left him with only one option. that was to race me when the light went green [it's a guy thing], therefore restoring his pride. knowing his plan from doing it many times myself, i pulled out to a slight lead through the intersection, but that's when my phone rang. so not only did i have to end the little drag race i had going, i also had to turn down my stereo. in my opinion though, that's still a 2-0 victory.

yeah, i'm pretty fly for a white guy. actually, no i'm not.

.....

HATEMAIL #2 - 9.28.01

my second piece of hatemail just rolled in and since the coward wouldn't leave his/her email address [for fear i'd spam him/her], i'll have to reply in the public forum. here's the message...my comments are below:

I read your commentary regarding Audio Galaxy and webHancer dated 'tuesday 6.26.01'. I have a friend that works at webHancer and I've bitched to him about their software. His take on the situation is this:

webHancer bundles with free software to allow those 3rd parties to earn revenue, stay afloat and continue to provide free software so that people like you don't have to pay for it. Furthermore, webHancer typically bundles with leech-ware, the kind of software that allows people to steal copyrighted music and not pay the authors the royalty they deserve. Finally, he says webHancer doesn't collect information that can identify a user. The data is strictly page delivery performance metrics collected in aggregated form.

He's got a point. You stated that webHancer collected data 'to allow them to target you with appropriate spam'. Really, did you give them your email address? No, because they didn't ask you for it, so how can they target you? Why were you so quick to complain about them collecting benign data, but did stop to think that you were being an incredible hypocrite. You are a thief of copyrighted music!

I used to think my friend was full of shit when he fed me that line. After reading your comments, I realized he's right and guys like you are wrong. If you don't want webHancer, don't install the leech-ware. You have no right to slander my buddy's company or any other company whose views you don't agree with. Live your life, bitch to yourself when something pisses you off and leave companies to employ people and keep them off the welfare rolls.

By the way, I didn't give you my name and email address because I don't want you spamming me.

true, webhahncer is usually bundled with file exchange software...the kind of software that allows users to have copyrighted materials that they didn't pay for. and shame on me, i admit it. i download music i don't own by a band i saw a video for or heard on the radio or read a review of. if i like it, i buy the album. i have never, and will never burn a copy of an album i want just so i don't have to buy it, and save myself $13. i've burned albums that have yet to be released and when the real thing is out on the shelves, i'm one of the first in line to buy it. granted, i am an exception, but i can't police how others use it. and what about the morals of a company that partners with leech-ware companies like audiogalaxy or kazaa? i'd tell your 'buddy' to get off his high horse before he starts judging others. his paycheck comes from a company that is very directly involved in the stealing of copyrighted music. at least i'm not making money off what i download...he is.

in your third paragraph, you are mistaken, and if you could read well enough, you would see why. i did not state that webhancer collected data 'to allow them to target you with appropriate spam'. that was a claim made by one of the individuals who reviewd the audiogalaxy package. just 4-5 lines above where you read that info, i stated 'here are some reviews from CNET:' sorry you missed that part. i never said that what others wrote is 100% absolutely true. the three reviews i posted were merely a sampling of 1000 negative reviews involving audiogalaxy and webhancer. i was showing that there was a trend in the problems people had with audiogalaxy and webhancer, and i think most people who read my post that day understood that.

i didn't want webhancer, and i didn't install audiogalaxy. and i didn't slander your 'buddy's' company. i never even mentioned your 'buddy's' company by name in my post. maybe you could make the argument that some reviewers at cnet slandered webhancer, but i don't think they did. slander involves false and malicious statements that damage another entity. they were relaying what happened to their computer, so if you can prove they were lying with the intent of hurting webhancer, then go for it. but my feeling is that they were telling their true story so that other users wouldn't suffer the same problems.

finally, thanks for the words of wisdom at the end there. i had no idea my comments had such a direct effect on our welfare system. i'm such an asshole for not seeing that...thanks. and give my best to your 'buddy' and his high horse.

.....

SCHOOL BUSES - 10.23.01

there have been changes in school bus procedure since i was a kid. when i rode the bus, the driver would already have gassed the thing before i found my seat, often times throwing me, and the other kids, around a bit. i didn't care though...maybe i'd get to lay a shoulder into the jerk that smacked me with a spitball the day before.

but now i get stuck behind 3 buses on the way to work each day, and it's a god damned eternity before that thing starts to pull away from the stop. the kids have enough time to get on, off, back on, tie their shoes, have their lunch, and make sure their weapons are hidden well enough.

maybe that's it...maybe there are metal detectors on there now, and that's what causes the delay. if so, i rescind my complaint.

but i'm assuming that's not the hold up, so let's speed things up fat little johnny. let's just pick a seat and park it susie. i don't care if kelly is sick today and you don't know who to sit next to. it's not my fault you only have one friend.

.....

MOTOR VEHICLE ADMINISTRATION...A VERITABLE FREAKSHOW - 10.25.01

our experience at the MVA was honestly going rather painlessly until approximately 5 minutes before we were to finish. but that is precisely when the show began.

to set the scene, picture about 20 little booths, all filled with employees that like being there less than their customers. and picture a composite of people not unlike the country procession at the opening ceremonies of the olympics. there were more languages flying around that joint than there are at the U.N.

facing the woman in the booth, tending to our business, we hear a strained voice scream, "God Damnit!".

alarmed and mildly amused, we turn around to find the voice came from directly behind us. as we're absorbing the situation, we see the voice came from a woman who possessed a striking resemblance to Granny from the Beverly Hillbillies.

as we assess what exactly what was going on, she went off again, "God Damnit!, God Damnit!, God Damnit!, God Damnit!, God Damnit!, God Damnit!"

we now see that her anger is directed to the man accompanying her, a man we believe to be her mentally and physically challenged son, fully clothed in and proud of his washington redskins regalia. she then yells, "God Damnit, you never get anything right, why do you always have to F everything up?" [she actually said F, not fuck]

he then mumbles to her, "I told them that they're not teaching you how to control your anger good enough," forcing us to think that a group home/nursing home/mental ward is in some way involved in their relationship.

she continues on, "God Damnit, I can't take it anymore, I can't take it anymore, God Damnit!"

shortly after she calms down [believe me, i can't even begin to relate to you the amount of times she screamed God Damnit!], we are free to leave. as we leave, she's walking out the door next to us, but i didn't realize it. i say, mockingly, 'god damnit!', then ask nikole what was up with the woman. i don't think the old lady heard me, and i bet that's because she hasn't much hearing left in her old ears, perhaps explaining why she had to scream every word that came out of her mouth.

that's just my theory, but i know there's a whole lot more to the story that i'll never know, and that i think i ever want to know for that matter.

.....

A LARGE MAJORITY OF CHILDREN SUCK - 10.30.01

last night i stopped at safeway on the way home from work to pick up a few final ingredients for my famous tofu chili, and while waiting in line to pay for my items, i had murderous thoughts aimed at the child in front of me in line.

you see, daddy was more focused on his younger child, and the 4.7 million jars of baby food he was purchasing. this absence of attention to child #2 let sparky jr. have free reign of the register area. and sparky jr. didn't waste the opportunity.

safeway had a table of singing tombstones set up for halloween, and sparky jr. knew this was a perfect chance to make an ass-storm of noise. he was circling the table pressing every single tombstone to make it sing. the 15 or so items were now singing a horrible 'happy halloween' song in round, like you did with 'row row row your boat' when you were a child. i couldn't make out any of the lyrics except that the last two were 'happy halloween', because it was just a loud cacophony of horrible music.

the pain wasn't felt by me alone, as the cashier looked at me, grimacing, and trying to not laugh at the fact that my head was about to explode. the bagger just sighed and rolled his eyes, as i'm sure they have to put up with that noise all day.

but to top it all off, the father approaches the cashier, saying, "boy, those things are loud, huh?"

yeah, they're loud, but not as loud as my screams of pain when i wake up from the nightmare of having that song spinning around and around inside my head.

.....

WHAT'S IN A NAME? - 11.1.01

i received a sales call this morning at work, asking for byron sheaffer. i used to get this all the time when i had a home phone, but this is the first time it's happened at work. i've heard it all...byron, baron, brain, ryan, etc.

my parents have cursed me with this. they named me bryan, and made my middle name michael. later on it was decided that i just 'wasn't a bryan...i was a mickey.' that's when it all began to go downhill.

i grew up with some distant (in mileage and mind) relatives calling me bryan. once some woman that is related to me in some form was talking to a cousin of mine, then turned to me and said, 'what does bryan think of that?' being a smart-ass at an early age, i replied, 'i don't know, i'll find him and ask him', then left.

and the first day of school, every year, i had this scenario play out, during roll call.

teacher: 'bryan sheaffer'

me: 'here, but actually, i go by michael' [that's when i got the looks from my new classmates wondering 'since when is michael a nickname for bryan...it's not like joseph and joey you spaz!]

teacher: 'why?'

me: 'it's my middle name...i go by my middle name'

teacher: 'why?'

me: 'ask my parents'

telling them to ask my parents usually ended the conversation with the teacher, and as i made my way through high school, 'b. michael' began to finally show up on my records, easing the first-day awkwardness.

but in college it started all over again, and i didn't have the will to fight it, so a lot of my professors called me bryan. my driver's license has me as bryan michael, and all bills i receive are addressed to bryan.

and that is because nobody thinks of us poor saps who always have to fill out forms asking for first name, middle initial. why can't we have first name/initial, middle name/initial? is that asking a lot?

my parents just got two 6-week-old kittens, and i just hope they don't suffer the same agony of being called 'pumpkin' to the point where they begin to learn their name, then have it changed to 'gunther' or 'chucko' or some other ridiculous cat name.

i'm hoping one is named poofle, but it's not up to me.