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NICE TO MEET YOU

I'm not easily embarassed, but one thing always gets me to blush - getting toilet paper from the store to the home.

And it always seems that only the 24-packs or quadruple-ply 12 pack 'extra soft for sensitive asses' are on sale, and that doesn't help my problem. If a nice, compact 4 pack were on sale, I could pick up a few and fit it inside a bag, therefore quietly and discreetly arriving at home with my TP [or as my friends have grown fond of calling them - shit tickets].

So as I returned home Saturday afternoon with my 24 rolls in one hand and a few bags of groceries in the other, I had the pleasure of meeting some new neighbors in my building.

"Hi," they said.

"Hi," I replied, raising my TP-filled hand to wave a neighborly gesture. I saw their eyes veer off toward my hand, soaking up every inch of the 24-roll bundle I had originally tried to hide.

Frustrated with my own stupidity, I quickly determined that there were two options: make a joke of it ["Hey, if you forgot to pack TP, I'm your man"] or pretend it didn't bother me.

I knew I looked like a terrified deer illuminated by the headlights of a truck, but I couldn't come up with anything better than the 'I'm your man' comment, so I stuck with the latter.

"Good luck with the move," I said as I hung my head down and began the lonely walk of shame upstairs, knowing very well that every time they hear the toilet flush upstairs they'll think of me.

Can anyone recommend a good bidet?